when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
