Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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