Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
