He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
