and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
no, he came in my armpit
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
