Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
