we're chasing vodka with high fives
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
