I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
