I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
