I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
