Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
