can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
