he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
