You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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