My Higher Power is John Stamos
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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