i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
