My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
