someone threw a dead crab at me
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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