I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My penis needs a shock collar
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
