I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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