i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
