obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
