She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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