update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
why is half of my head shaved?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
