we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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