I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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