Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
