the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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