I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
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It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
This baby is an asshole
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when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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