I hate all girls vehemently.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
