I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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