If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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