I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
