I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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