Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
