Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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