Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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