He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
