Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
