Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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