Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
there is puke in my bra ... again
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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