I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
