Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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