I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
