Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
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