I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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