If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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