I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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