I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
