I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
