You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
