I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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