why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
