apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
