Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
